Lost's Grand Finale
by Pen Liddin
Summary: A comedy. All the thing's the writers of Lost have seemingly forgotten about. Preview: HA! he shouted, pushing the bushes open to reveal the French woman crouched down low, intentionally rustling the bushes. Are you trying to scare me?


**A/N: Alright, well I haven't done a comedy yet, so I'm just warning you, this comes from the deepest and most random part of my heart. I'm not spending much time or effort on it; I just thought I'd add it for the fun of it. Hehe, enjoy. **

**Warning- Making fun of Lost. It's a parody about everything the show has forgotten about. **

**Disclaimer- Don't own it. I'd probably ruin it. Actually I dunno...i've got quite the creative mind... ;) haha **

**Leave a review and tell me if you thought it was funny, stupid whatever! It'll make me smile ****J ****J ****J **

**Enough of my ramblings.**

**LOST'S GRAND FINALE**

xxxx

Beep beep beep beep beep

Jack rushed over towards the computer and punched in the code to stop the beeping. God that thing was annoying! He wanted so badly to just ignore it one day, but the way things were going for him, that would be the day that he blew up the island. Jack sighed and made his way up the stairs and out of the hatch to get some fresh air. Deciding that he had time to take a little walk, he began to step forward when he saw something alarmingly startling out of the corner of his eye.

Jack did a double take and stopped to stare at the puzzling scene before him. Walt, the Dharma initiative guy and Desmond were strolling by casually, seeming to be engrossed in quite the conversation. Jack was about to call out to them and ask where they came from and all, but he decided it would be rude to interrupt.

Instead, Jack thought it would be a better idea to just continue on his little march through the jungle. He passed many things that were to bizarre and magnificent to ever be seen in a low budget show like lost, so therefore I will not repeat them.

When the doctor finally returned to the hatch, he realized he forgot to puzzle over the fact that Walt, the Dharma Initiative guy and Desmond were strolling around casually past him. He concluded that there was no use wondering though, because the whole camp had forgotten about them anyway.

Hey, it's easier to forget about something then explain it isn't it? Jack thought to himself.

Just then, Jack got a sickly feeling that somebody was in trouble! His eyes grew wide as he dashed out of the hatch and tore off frantically through the jungle, his cape swaying heroically in the wind.

xxxx

Locke opened his eyes. He was startled to find himself standing on the edge of a cliff, watching a gorgeous sunset fade away into the night. Wow...wait was it already night? Yes. it was.

Weird, creepy music began to play as he slowly turned around only to see a wheelchair. The music began to pick up as the wheelchair revved it's...wheels and began charging Locke violently. It was only after the wheelchair had hit him in the ass three times before Locke realized it was trying to push him off of the cliff!

"Nooooooo" Locke screamed at the top of his lungs and by god it was loud considering...you know... well let's just say he's not going to be leaping across any canyons any time soon. Flailing his arms wildly, Locke was finally pushed over the edge, only to find that it wasn't really a cliff! He had just been standing on a low hanging tree branch!

When Locke opened his eyes for the second time, he found that he had indeed been sleepwalking, and that he was lying on his face in the sand, next to a tree. Standing up, Locke decided it was best to go stretch his legs and see what there was to see.

Suddenly, Michael came charging through the bushes followed by a pack of the others, who he soon figured out were being chased by a giant polar bear!

"Oh yeah..." Locke mused before joining in the fray. "I'd forgotten about them..."

The comical looking troop ran screaming around the jungle at quite an alarming speed, before the polar bear got tired and gave up the chase.

"Whew!" Locke exclaimed, gasping for breath. Considering he was...you know...old, Locke was extremely tired and wouldn't have minded if the others and Michael just continued on without him. Looking around, Locke realized that that was exactly what they had done! He also realized that he was now lost!

"Well it's about time..." He muttered under his breath. "It's eerie to me how everybody in this god dammed place can find their way around so easily."

Suddenly, in fact SO suddenly that Locke fell off his stump; a loud rustling came from the bushes. Intrigued, Locke walked slowly over to the bushes, as they began to rustle back and forth again.

"HA!" he shouted, pushing the bushes open to reveal the French woman crouched down low, intentionally rustling the bushes.

"Are you trying to scare me?" He asked tentatively, only to be met by wild, French screaming, of which he didn't understand at all. Actually, it sounded sort of like a de-ranged, French mongoose that was extremely angry about something. The only word he caught before she went gallivanting off into the bushes none to quietly was SAYIIIID.

As Locke stood pondering this for many ages, he heard another noise, but this time it sounded like heavy footsteps running really quickly towards him. He only had time to glance sideways before he saw Jack lunge out of the bushes and body slam into the ground like a maniac.

xxxx

Meanwhile, back at camp, the...campers were getting restless. Michael had just stormed into camp and shot two innocent girls, and then ran of with a clan of the others. Seconds later a rather large and frightening polar bear came lumbering through the camp in search of god knows what, before running off again out of fear. Before everyone else realized what the polar bear was scared of, it was to late! the camp was attacked by a heard of wild boars, who had been hiding secretly and rallying their kind to take revenge for their dead boar brothers and sisters for an entire season of lost!

Luckily, Sawyer was there to save the day as he whipped out his rifle and started blowing their heads off as Kate tried to stop him yelling, "No stop it! You sick man stop shooting these poor beasts it's cruel!"

Sawyer just tossed his golden brown hair out of his eyes and smirked. Glancing down he noticed a rather large tree frog sitting on a shoe, and decided to shoot it as well.

Charlie, who had been over-looking the whole ordeal, just shook his head. Suddenly, he remembered something, WHERE WAS CLAIRE! He began running around in frantic, tiny circles until the circles got to small and he ended up just spinning around really, really quickly. He stumbled over to the crowd gathered around a fire with a nice fat boar on a spit and tried to tell them that Claire had been captured again for god knows how long, and nobody even noticed.

Jack, who was magically back at camp again thought Charlie was high from all the heroin he had stashed away, began yelling at Charlie for not doing anything about Claire.

"She could be dead for all we know Charlie! What would you say then huh? WAIT no I'LL SAVE HER!"  
"Sorry Jack." Charlie mumbled, "I thought the Lost writers had just forgotten that the others wanted Aaron, and we would never have to worry about this again!"

Hearing this, Jack took pity on the small man.

"It's alright," he said sympathetically, "You're probably just going through withdrawal is all."

"IM NOT ON DRUGS!" Charlie screeched so loud that Locke woke up from his unconsciousness on the other side of the Island.

Charlie suddenly got a brilliant idea. "Bollocks!" he yelled. "You know what I haven't done in a long time! A flashback!" Jack just peered at him over his half moon spectacles and squinted. "No." He said simply.

Hearing this, Charlie became very poutty, and went to go mope in a corner with Mr. Echo, who was in turn angry that nobody would take him seriously. Charlie pointed out that it might be because his name was Mr. Echo, and the big man walloped him over the head with his Jesus stick.

Without warning a loud siren began to ring, and everybody standing on the beach turned their heads towards the direction of the noise. Jin, who had been sitting quite a way away untangling a fishing net, as he so often seemed to be doing, jumped up, yelled, "SHIT!" at the top of his lungs and sprinted off into the jungle at quite the shocking speed.

"Anyway..." Jack continued, "Many of you might not have noticed, but myself and Ana Lucia have placed micro chips inside your heads to train you all for an upcoming war against the others. At this, the clan of the others, Michael, Walt, the Dharma Initiative guy, Desmond and the polar bear appeared on the bank of the beach, silhouetted against the sunset while they swung their tama hocks viciously, in tune to the music of "The Great West".

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Sayid yelled, running towards the fire with...only his underwear on and causing the clan of the others, Michael, Walt, the Dharma Initiative guy, Desmond and the polar bear to simultaneously begin to retreat slowly until they had disappeared again. "It's too much I can't take this anymore! Polar bears, yellow airplanes, hatches and buttons, French women, Dharma Initiative guys, others, baby snatchers, happy face balloons, black rocks, Desmond, boars, caves and others! Have you idiots all forgotten about this? Wait...there's one more thing I forgot...oh yeah! the se..." Sayid was then knocked out by Jack, who didn't like where this conversation was going.

When Hurley tried to protest, Jack rounded on him and bellowed, "YOU DARE QUESTION MEE?" So the large man just went back to eating his pumpkin pasties with Rose and Bernard.

xxxx

Locke was just standing up again as he turned around and gasped at what he saw. the trees were swaying in all directions, which could only mean one thing! SECUIRITY SYSTEMS!

Locke leaped dramatically to the side in slow-mo as he was about to witness the greatest galactical battle of security systems in all his time!

Suddenly, the writers of Lost realized they had written themselves into a corner and decided to head in a different direction.

xxxx

The somewhat diminished crowd of the survivors of the oceanic flight sat crowded around the beach watching the waves lap continuously against the sand while singing Kumbahya in a harmonic tone.

Charlie then said something stupid about not singing in the right key and Kate gave him quite the look. Well, actually, it wasn't so much of a look as the expression she has on her face twenty-four-seven, but it still really hurt Charlie so he shut up. Kate turned her head back to the sea and continued singing in the wrong key, keeping that craftily skilled look on her face.

The peaceful scene however, was interrupted by Sawyer, who stood away from the crowd, still seemingly determined to be hated by everyone. Something was wrong with him however, for he kept twitching and jerking his head about, while repeating useless names over and over again. "Babycakes, steakpot, mamacita, freckles"

"Wow!"Jin exclaimed, being the first one to notice this unlikely event. "What's going on with him?" Instead of replying, the entire camp just stared at Jin. "YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!" Sun yelled, slapping him so hard that he flew backwards into a nearby palm tree. Before anybody could point out how unrealistic this sudden turn of events was, Sawyer made quite a large squeak, and began to jerk his head wildly, sparks flying haywire in all directions.

Without warning, he blew up.

"So I guess he was a robot..."Rose murmured, followed by the agreement of the rest of the survivors.

"Okay hold on." Bernard objected. "This is ridiculous! None of it even makes sense! How the hell could Sawyer of been a robot?"

The writers of Lost realized they didn't know, so they decided to put an abrupt and to the conversation.

Suddenly, the clouds darkened and parted, slowly opening up to reveal a sole man on a parachute, gliding gracefully down towards the island. Before any of the survivors could question what was happening, the man whipped out a machine gun and began blowing all their heads off.

He landed gracefully on top of a hill, his majestic long black hair blowing in the slight breeze, and his muscular body silhouetted against the darkening sunset. The mysterious man glared directly into the camera before replacing his machine gun back into its holster and marching of into the sunset as heroic type music played loudly in the background.

xxxx

And the mysteries of the Lost island will forever go unsolved.

**xxxx **

**The End? **


End file.
